I've had it easy. I know it. I admit it. But it doesn't make it easier when bad things happen. And they always happen in threes, right? What else can I do?
Am I a bad person for trying to put it out of my brain so that I can sleep tonight?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
California - The Finale
Well it's finally become clear... all that soul-searching has uncovered the need to date a certain type of girl (well, a certain type of religion really)... and that's just not me.
It's funny... often a girl wants closure and does what she can to get it, but then finds that the reasoning is not good enough, and that it really makes her feel worse. I don't feel worse. I understand.
I guess on some level I knew it wasn't meant to be... that I would move to Cali and we would be together... mostly because I don't know if we would have made it through the hard times apart before we got to that point.
But I guess I knew that we would still be connected... I wasn't kidding when I said I knew what he meant and how he felt. And I think he knows me too. Even if no one else gets us.
It's funny... often a girl wants closure and does what she can to get it, but then finds that the reasoning is not good enough, and that it really makes her feel worse. I don't feel worse. I understand.
I guess on some level I knew it wasn't meant to be... that I would move to Cali and we would be together... mostly because I don't know if we would have made it through the hard times apart before we got to that point.
But I guess I knew that we would still be connected... I wasn't kidding when I said I knew what he meant and how he felt. And I think he knows me too. Even if no one else gets us.
la2005fu (11:07:53 PM) : you know, it kinda makes me sad that we don't talk anymore
"zgrrr" (11:10:12 PM) : i can understand that. . . . 
la2005fu (11:11:02 PM) : is there a reason?
"zgrrr" (11:11:20 PM) : protect you
la2005fu (11:11:31 PM) : ?
la2005fu (11:11:50 PM) : b/c i said it was too hard?
la2005fu (11:12:10 PM) : bc it's worse not talking to you at all
"zgrrr" (11:12:19 PM) : more from me i think
la2005fu (11:12:44 PM) : you're protecting me from you or you from me?
"zgrrr" (11:12:50 PM) : lol
la2005fu (11:12:56 PM) : i'm confused haha
"zgrrr" (11:13:05 PM) : you know why i broke up with my ex right?
la2005fu (11:13:15 PM) : not fully no, you didn't tell me, and i didn't pry
"zgrrr" (11:13:41 PM) : biggest reason was my family
"zgrrr" (11:13:46 PM) : nothing they did of course
"zgrrr" (11:13:52 PM) : but what i found in them
"zgrrr" (11:14:18 PM) : culture, religion, blah, blah, blah
"zgrrr" (11:14:43 PM) : that's what i have been dealing with in my head
la2005fu (11:15:10 PM) : b/c you're trying to decide whether or not you ended it b/c of religion or b/c of you?
"zgrrr" (11:15:42 PM) : i see how everyone in my family is like with our culture
"zgrrr" (11:15:45 PM) : and i love that
"zgrrr" (11:15:46 PM) : a lot
"zgrrr" (11:15:50 PM) : it's really hit me hard
"zgrrr" (11:16:00 PM) : and i want that out of my future
"zgrrr" (11:16:10 PM) : so i have to weigh it's importance
la2005fu (11:16:17 PM) : that's good...
la2005fu (11:16:23 PM) : it's good to know what you want
"zgrrr" (11:16:27 PM) : it is good
"zgrrr" (11:16:29 PM) : really good
"zgrrr" (11:16:35 PM) : took me awhile to figure out
"zgrrr" (11:17:05 PM) : it was really tough integrating it all with my ex
la2005fu (11:17:11 PM) : i can see that
"zgrrr" (11:17:17 PM) : i mean you can learn it and all
la2005fu (11:17:23 PM) : that's something that has to be a 100% decision on both sides
la2005fu (11:17:27 PM) : and if it's not, then it won't work
"zgrrr" (11:17:30 PM) : but there are still soooooooooo many barriers from being brought up in it
la2005fu (11:18:50 PM) : i get that too... believe it or not, i know some people in other cultures/religions/etc
la2005fu (11:18:56 PM) : i'm not totally sheltered haha
la2005fu (11:19:03 PM) : only a little
"zgrrr" (11:20:18 PM) : i know silly rabbit
"zgrrr" (11:20:31 PM) : i just know how my parents are and stuff
"zgrrr" (11:20:41 PM) : and the shit they have gave me in the past
la2005fu (11:20:46 PM) : i'm sure
"zgrrr" (11:20:48 PM) : but i have to say, they have always been right
"zgrrr" (11:21:12 PM) : so that's the other part of it too
"zgrrr" (11:21:27 PM) : kinda tough to really explain
la2005fu (11:21:49 PM) : yeah, i'm sure it's worse through aim
"zgrrr" (11:22:10 PM) : and trust me, the break up that i had over this was the worst thing i went through in my life
"zgrrr" (11:22:15 PM) : it was very painful
la2005fu (11:22:19 PM) : i believe you
"zgrrr" (11:22:27 PM) : i never want to see anyone hurt like that again
la2005fu (11:22:37 PM) : you know how you saw my face and knew what i was thinking? i saw yours too
"zgrrr" (11:22:58 PM) : i don't want to hurt you lauren
"zgrrr" (11:23:04 PM) : that's my delimma
la2005fu (11:23:33 PM) : don't think of it that
la2005fu (11:23:34 PM) : wya
la2005fu (11:23:35 PM) : way
"zgrrr" (11:23:36 PM) : i really like you, but i have that 800lb gorilla on my shoulder right
"zgrrr" (11:23:58 PM) : and i ended my previous relationship for a reason
la2005fu (11:24:03 PM) : i really like you too but you are half way around the world! and even when i'm home you're still far away
la2005fu (11:24:10 PM) : not quite as serious of a reason
"zgrrr" (11:24:10 PM) : ya
la2005fu (11:24:12 PM) : but a good one
la2005fu (11:24:17 PM) : listen
"zgrrr" (11:24:24 PM) : the distance i could give two shits about
la2005fu (11:24:32 PM) : i don't think this should end our relationship totally
la2005fu (11:24:38 PM) : it sucks worse when we don't talk
la2005fu (11:24:43 PM) : in my opininon
"zgrrr" (11:24:52 PM) : i can understand that
"zgrrr" (11:26:02 PM) : but just know i'm not just forgetting about you
"zgrrr" (11:26:17 PM) : i just have to look at what i have done in the past and why i did it
la2005fu (11:26:33 PM) : well it's better when you actually say it instead of act like it
"zgrrr" (11:26:36 PM) : and i won't do that again with anyone because i had my mine set
"zgrrr" (11:26:38 PM) : ya know?
la2005fu (11:26:44 PM) : yeah
"zgrrr" (11:26:58 PM) : no more tears
"zgrrr" (11:27:00 PM) : lolz
la2005fu (11:27:02 PM) : well my issue is a little of the distance thing if you're not upfront about it (which you have been now)
"zgrrr" (11:27:13 PM) : i know
la2005fu (11:27:18 PM) : b/c i know me
"zgrrr" (11:27:25 PM) : i just didn't have it all sorted out
"zgrrr" (11:27:29 PM) : still don't
"zgrrr" (11:27:30 PM) : lol
la2005fu (11:27:38 PM) : we'll both figure it out
"zgrrr" (11:27:39 PM) : but i do miss you
la2005fu (11:27:43 PM) : me too
Friday, August 15, 2008
California - Part II
I don't know about looking back and thinking I was dorky and overly sentimental, but I can tell you one thing-- I was a little nutty for thinking things would have changed when I came home. Like if he saw me one more time, something in him would wake up and say, "wow, i've been missing her..." or even unconsciously start talking to me more. Nope, that was a stupid thought on my part.
and the saga continues...
and the saga continues...
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
California
Yep, I was all wrong. It wasn't easier to come back out west. I thought it was fine, he was going to act like a typical guy and ignore me or act funny; but no... he was sweet and caring and I swear he can see into my soul-- maybe I'm being a little melodramatic, but he reads me so well.
Do you know what it's like to know someone for 4 short months, but feel like you've known them forever? I barely talk to him but he knows what I'm talking about and how I feel simply by looking at my face. He’s the first one to say “Europe’s going to be really hard for you”—and he’s not being negative, he’s reading me. From everyone else I get, “this is such a great opportunity!” or “you’re going to have so much fun!” and ignore the expression of fright on my face.
I didn’t tell him I’ve been seeing someone else… but I didn’t have to because I had an even better excuse-- if I had stayed with him it would have been too hard for me. And I say it with a small lump in my throat and glistening eyes. And I mean it. He knows.
He would have thrown his parents out of his house to spend the night with me. Alright, so it sounds a little like he just wants some, but he didn’t push. He didn’t shove his tongue down my throat, he just pulled me close and let me hold him, knowing that all we get is these few hours. I can read his eyes like he reads mine. He doesn’t like that I live 2800 miles away either… and he’s even less happy that the distance will soon grow to 6400 miles. I know because I feel it too.
Yeah he has a long way to go to find himself (he knows it’s cliché), and I think he’ll come out the other side as a better person—maybe even a guy that calls me more often… ha ha.
But for now, I get 5 kisses and a goodnight, because that’s about all I can take.
I truly hope I don’t look back at this posting in 10 years and laugh at myself for sounding so dorky and dramatic. I really feel it.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Wish? Open your heart?
i know that both are worth it-- wishing and opening your heart, and that you need to learn to take the good with the bad. or rather you need to wish and open your heart, but understand that only that one person in your life is going to end up being the one that returns your wish and reciprocally opens their heart.
so that leaves 90%+ of the time that it doesn't work out correctly. maybe i'm being too negative, but how many times can you be optimistic before the optimism disappears?
why is it that the first person that i've felt anything for months doesn't seem to be as into me as i am to him? well i guess it could be the nearly 3000 miles between us... or it could be that he's still "healing" from his all-too-recent engagement... or can i think of another excuse?
the most frustrating part is that i have no say. i have no leverage. i have no right to be mad that he is not making time for me. and it makes me feel even more unreasonable since a lot of the time that he is busy is because he is spending quality time with his family. how can i be mad about that?!
so here i am, drinking wine, not going to the gym... wallowing. and oh so pathetic.
so that leaves 90%+ of the time that it doesn't work out correctly. maybe i'm being too negative, but how many times can you be optimistic before the optimism disappears?
why is it that the first person that i've felt anything for months doesn't seem to be as into me as i am to him? well i guess it could be the nearly 3000 miles between us... or it could be that he's still "healing" from his all-too-recent engagement... or can i think of another excuse?
the most frustrating part is that i have no say. i have no leverage. i have no right to be mad that he is not making time for me. and it makes me feel even more unreasonable since a lot of the time that he is busy is because he is spending quality time with his family. how can i be mad about that?!
so here i am, drinking wine, not going to the gym... wallowing. and oh so pathetic.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Quarterlife Crisis-- yep, it's real
As I sit here sick with a cold (once again), I fear change.
I just came home from a whirlwind tour of Europe. I managed to hit 3 countries and 5 cities over a 4 day period. Oh and I caught a cold.
It's not all bad, no, but I feel like work is consuming me-- I am gone for a whole week, I miss the fun of work happy hours, and then I come home sick and can't go out on Saturday night AND I have to cancel my blind date tomorrow night.
So should I move there? And leave everything here? And what do I have when I come back? Will that be pretty much the end of my WebCollage career? Then what? Could I find another job here? Am I done with New York City?
And for that matter, have I been taking advantage of NYC? I feel like I do enough here, but then again, I constantly feel busy. I go out a lot, but I don't meet anyone out. The only person that I've been interested in months lives in California. California! We still talk even a month after my trip there, but what does it all mean? And for that matter, what did the psychic in the street mean when she said "you're going to California"?
Is everything in life that arbitrary? What is serious and meaningful?
I just came home from a whirlwind tour of Europe. I managed to hit 3 countries and 5 cities over a 4 day period. Oh and I caught a cold.
It's not all bad, no, but I feel like work is consuming me-- I am gone for a whole week, I miss the fun of work happy hours, and then I come home sick and can't go out on Saturday night AND I have to cancel my blind date tomorrow night.
So should I move there? And leave everything here? And what do I have when I come back? Will that be pretty much the end of my WebCollage career? Then what? Could I find another job here? Am I done with New York City?
And for that matter, have I been taking advantage of NYC? I feel like I do enough here, but then again, I constantly feel busy. I go out a lot, but I don't meet anyone out. The only person that I've been interested in months lives in California. California! We still talk even a month after my trip there, but what does it all mean? And for that matter, what did the psychic in the street mean when she said "you're going to California"?
Is everything in life that arbitrary? What is serious and meaningful?
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I suck at change
I can sometimes predict it, I can see it coming, I can understand it, I can ask for it, but truthfully, I really just suck at change.
My job is sending me new places and to do new things that should be exciting, but for some reason I push against it, and sometimes I can't understand this stubborn reaction. I really think it might be the change factor. It means I will be doing something new, something adventurous, but I push against it.
My roommate said she's moving out in 6 months when our lease is up. I saw it coming and it makes total sense, but it scares the crap out of me. It means I have to decide if I'm going to live alone or take my chances with a new roommate (I totally lucked out with my current one, what are the odds I find another normal human being in NYC to live with me? Pretty low, I think). Though it is 6 months away and it's probably not a big deal, I can't stop thinking about it. I am already predicting that it will keep me up tonight.
Part of me feels like everything was status quo for so long, and now things have to change, but maybe I'm being left behind because I'm not adapting to the changes. How do I fix that? I start each day at work with a smile, even if I'm nervous or angry, because I'm hoping today will be better than yesterday. Should I stay in my current apartment and find a new roommate or try to live on my own? CAN I live on my own?
My job is sending me new places and to do new things that should be exciting, but for some reason I push against it, and sometimes I can't understand this stubborn reaction. I really think it might be the change factor. It means I will be doing something new, something adventurous, but I push against it.
My roommate said she's moving out in 6 months when our lease is up. I saw it coming and it makes total sense, but it scares the crap out of me. It means I have to decide if I'm going to live alone or take my chances with a new roommate (I totally lucked out with my current one, what are the odds I find another normal human being in NYC to live with me? Pretty low, I think). Though it is 6 months away and it's probably not a big deal, I can't stop thinking about it. I am already predicting that it will keep me up tonight.
Part of me feels like everything was status quo for so long, and now things have to change, but maybe I'm being left behind because I'm not adapting to the changes. How do I fix that? I start each day at work with a smile, even if I'm nervous or angry, because I'm hoping today will be better than yesterday. Should I stay in my current apartment and find a new roommate or try to live on my own? CAN I live on my own?
Saturday, March 15, 2008
At home, in New Jersey
home is lots of places for me. they are the places where i'm most comfortable. i have a couple of them...
my mom's house, is complete with stepfather and little bro (gotta love that 6th grade attitude) and lots of antiques and Mackenzie-Childs and Stickley and of course, flamingos (they are usually named some variation on Philip). now i know we sound crazy, but it's kind of fun to have a theme of collectibles, as long as they aren't beanie babies or something. the house was built in 1906 and definitely showcases its history; it has some sort of granduer that i somewhat lack the writing skills to explain.
my dad's house is just his-- no one to share it with. i'm glad he updated his furniture in the past few years; he should have good stuff that he can enjoy and be comfortable in. though this is the first house i ever lived in, it is not the one that i've always considered home, since i was usually at my mom's house growing up, it wasn't always at the top of my list for comfort. however, i still have my own room at my dad's house (yeah, mom booted me out of my room when i moved to NYC-- i guess i'm ok with it now haha).
probably third would be my gramma's house since i spent most of my summers growing up there. don't get any ideas... it's not like she lived far away or anything. but there was always that acre of land to pretend to get lost in-- i could hide in my tree house or go swimming in the pool... with my local friends of course-- you know, those kids you met when you were 3 years old and are hopefully still friends.
now i live in NYC, and i do love it, but there's no place like the real home. some part of me still feels like i'm in a dorm room in NYC (maybe it's because of the size, haha). thankfully it's only a short train ride home... the REAL home.
my mom's house, is complete with stepfather and little bro (gotta love that 6th grade attitude) and lots of antiques and Mackenzie-Childs and Stickley and of course, flamingos (they are usually named some variation on Philip). now i know we sound crazy, but it's kind of fun to have a theme of collectibles, as long as they aren't beanie babies or something. the house was built in 1906 and definitely showcases its history; it has some sort of granduer that i somewhat lack the writing skills to explain.
my dad's house is just his-- no one to share it with. i'm glad he updated his furniture in the past few years; he should have good stuff that he can enjoy and be comfortable in. though this is the first house i ever lived in, it is not the one that i've always considered home, since i was usually at my mom's house growing up, it wasn't always at the top of my list for comfort. however, i still have my own room at my dad's house (yeah, mom booted me out of my room when i moved to NYC-- i guess i'm ok with it now haha).
probably third would be my gramma's house since i spent most of my summers growing up there. don't get any ideas... it's not like she lived far away or anything. but there was always that acre of land to pretend to get lost in-- i could hide in my tree house or go swimming in the pool... with my local friends of course-- you know, those kids you met when you were 3 years old and are hopefully still friends.
now i live in NYC, and i do love it, but there's no place like the real home. some part of me still feels like i'm in a dorm room in NYC (maybe it's because of the size, haha). thankfully it's only a short train ride home... the REAL home.
Friday, March 14, 2008
first post
i figure i might learn something... about what i do, who i am... if i can write at all (yeah, so english was not my strong point in school).
it's good to know where i've been, who i see from a broad level, but also from a day-to-day level... like on Tuesday when I saw "Campbell Scott" (our shuffleboard buddy from NWP) on the 59th St. N-R-W Station... maybe not a very interesting thing in the long run, but it really does amaze me how you can unexpectedly see someone you know on the subway in a city with over 8 million people.
more to come...
it's good to know where i've been, who i see from a broad level, but also from a day-to-day level... like on Tuesday when I saw "Campbell Scott" (our shuffleboard buddy from NWP) on the 59th St. N-R-W Station... maybe not a very interesting thing in the long run, but it really does amaze me how you can unexpectedly see someone you know on the subway in a city with over 8 million people.
more to come...
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